


bitch idk i just need this here for tay

by leoissad



Category: im here lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 08:12:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16719654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leoissad/pseuds/leoissad
Summary: help





	bitch idk i just need this here for tay

If there is one thing I've learned from my experience, it's that living is hard. It's not fun, it's not enjoyable, it's not satisfying. It's nothing but a chore in which you'll never get done one hundred percent. There will always be that one spot, that one task you never seem to finish. You never get done all that you want to get done, and you never feel all the things you want to feel. At least, not all the way.

But there are moments, these small, waking moments in which you feel, you think, you might be alive. Of course, the concept of alive is subjective. Everyone "lives" differently. Some people feel alive helping others, some feel alive when eating, some feel alive when any chemical they could find is rushing through their blood and brains. During these times, you might be feeling the way you should be feeling. You might be doing something you feel you should be doing. Something you were born for.

I was never born. I was forced into my life and I'm never going to be able to leave. My name is Teo, or at least I think it was. I don't remember much before living. I know I was in the sky. Not the sky people I live with describe and see and sometimes fly through. I came from a sky made of darkness and nothing. It's empty in every sense of the word. The closest these people can get to describing it would be what is called an isolation chamber. You feel nothing, you see nothing, you hear nothing. We're alone, but not alone. There are others, or at least that's what we think. We weren't taught, I think. The knowledge of others just came naturally. Or at least I hope. I think. But can I think? I'm not human like the others I'm around, so can I think like one? Am I allowed to think like one?

I wake up in a body named Kodie. This is another concept I never really understood, waking up. Where I come from, we don't sleep. We can't. Some of us have tried, I'm sure, but nothing happens. Everything is the same, we aren't able to feel the wading off feeling people have. We aren't able to feel the stilling stiffness of our bodies and it falls asleep. Our minds race and never stop to take a breather. Another thing we never get to experience is dreams. Dreams only come when one sleeps. I've yet to have a dream in this new body, but every morning I hear others speak of dreams and what happened in the little universes inside their brains.

The brain is complicated, to say the least. It can do so much at one time with little to no effort, and that terrifies me. My body feels the weight on the mattress below, feels where the fabric folds and overlaps over itself. It slides itself to the edge of the bed where it's ohone is sitting on the floor, it picks up the phone, slides it open, and looks at the bright, blinding screen, and determines not only what time, day, month, year it is, but also who has texted it, who has liked a status, on which apps, and how to get to them. The body did this all in mere seconds.

I keep saying "it" but perhaps I should call it Kodie. Kodie is still here, but isn't. I'm here and so is Kodie, but not all the way. I'm taking u space in Kodie's head so is Kodie really all here? I guess that's why he is here, but isn't.

The human brain is complicated, and some human brains are more so. Some human brains are so complicated, in fact, that they were able to come up with the idea of filling space in the brain in order to help people. The idea was that, the human brain is never used all the way, so if we put something in that empty space, perhaps we can use that unused part and put it to good use. The only problem is, when experiments began, things weren't happening. People were normal and so was their brain activity. People thought the experiment failed and shut down operations. They didn't undo what they have done, though. We are here, but also aren't.

Nothing has happened so far, and I'm not sure why I'm even here in Kodie's brain. I don't know how to be of use, so I just sit here, watching as Kodie lives his life. Our life? I'm okay with it. I get to learn and observe and think and be alive. Everything that Kodie does and feels, I do and feel, and I love it. But also hate it. I get to feel his joy and fun, but that's not all there is to life. And I feel those other things.

Kodie continues to scroll through his screen. I'm looking up at the time, watching the minutes change, when Kodie sighs and drops his phone on the stiff corner of his bed. He lifts his palms to his eyes, pushes, and makes a groaning sound in his throat. I feel all this, and I marvel. Speaking, if you could call it that, was something I never had to the ability to undergo, and I love the vibration and smoothness that is Kodie's voice. I hear others, like his mother's, and feel glad to have never been stuck in her head, hearing her screeching and scratching. I wonder, though, if I were desperate enough to speak, would I be content with using her voice?

"Kodie," I hear outside the door. His mother's voice. "Are you up, sweety?"

"I'm up," simple and sudden.

I hear his mother's feet shuffling away from the door. Kodie drops his shoulders, looks at the ceiling, and lifts his hands. He has nice hands, I think. Maybe he thinks so, too. This is his routine, waking up, scrolling through his phone for a few moments, his mother asks if he's awake, he answers, and he lifts his hands. I'm not sure why he does this, it's not like I can ask. I'd love to ask Kodie a lot of things, actually.

You'd think, because I'm in his head, I'd know everything he's thinking, every one of his motives and reasons behind the little things he does. I can feel a lot of the things of Kodie, but I'll never know why. I know how he sees the sky, how he feels warmth, how he hears music, but I will never fully know why he sees and feels and hears the way he does. Can anyone truly know something like that about anyone? Ever?

Swinging his hands down to his sides, Kodie pushes his body upwards. His eyes dart to his closet, then to his towel, then to his closet again. This means he won't be showering today. Patterns. Everyone has patterns. Multiple, too, not just one pattern they always follow. There's always multiple. This is one of Kodie's. If he looks at his towel first thing, he will shower. If he hesitates, he won't take a shower. That is, unless he stops abruptly on the way to his door. If he does this, he will let out a frustrated sigh, grab his towel with a grip tighter than needs be, and take a quick, five minute shower. A complex set of patterns, but all too simple at the same time.

Standing in front of the closet, Kodie brushes his fingertips to the multiple fabrics in front of him. Most are stiff and crisp, but he doesn't mind. I don't either. I'll feel almost anything I can. He grabs a blue, somewhat oversized hoodie, some simple jeans, and his black converse that are far too worn out to wear anymore. His shoes have holes in the bottom, and the material around the soles is ripping, but he doesn't seem to mind. Of course, I do, but he'd never know that. There are a lot of feelings in this world I'd love to feel, but rocks against the soft of Kodie's feet are not one of them. Of course, at first, this feeling was new and I let it in easily, but as time went on, it got more and more annoying.

His eyes blur for a slight moment while he heads to the bathroom. He closes the door as quietly as he can, probably because he's not used to loud noises this early in the morning. The mirror is foggy and there's a faint must filling the room. His brother must have showered already.

Wiping off the mirror, Kodie washes his hands and starts looking for his contacts. This is the part that scares me the most. I don't like how cold it always feels under his hands when he puts the silicone death domes on his eyes. To be fair, though, it's better than having both mine and his vision deterred. He lifts is right eyelid to reveal his deep brown eyes. You can't see his pupils unless you really, really look into his eyes. I wonder if someone were to look into his eyes for that long, would they see his soul? I've heard that metaphor multiple times through Kodie's ears, not sure if I'll ever fully understand it. For one, I'm not completely sure what a soul even is. It's one of those concepts I don't think my kind will ever understand. There are other times where I wonder, if someone looked into Kodie's eyes for long, would they see me?

After many attempts at placing his contacts, his long eyelashes getting in the way more times than once, he starts brushing his teeth. I'm feeling the bristles, but I always take this time to look as Kodie. I'm not sure for others, but he seems to completely zone one when brushing his teeth. He looks forward at the mirror and brushes. Nothing else.

Kodie's hair is flatter than usual today from not taking a shower. Usually it stands tall, reaching for the sky like it belongs up there. Now, though, it's going every which way like it belongs in France, Mexico, and the great mountains of Alaska. His hair is the same dark color of his eyes, but with more life to it. Ironic how his hair has more life than his eyes.

He's thin. You can see is jawbone move under his skin with every word he speaks. His cheeks hollow at the slightest opening of his mouth, too. If he were to wrap is hand around his wrist, he's easily overlap his pinky finger and thumb. Despite this, he is healthy. A bit underweight, but healthy.

He leaves the bathroom and heads back to his room.

Kodie grabs his backpack, and heads to the kitchen, making sure to close his door behind him. He likes is privacy, which is ironically, considering that I'm here. In the kitchen, he sees his brother Kade. His mother must have something for names starting with "K"s.

"Kode, I'd like you to-" his mother starts, only to be cut off by Kade.

"It's my birthday!"

Kodie smiles, I think. I can feel it there, but only subtly.

His mother's clears her throat. "Take your brother to Charlie's after school, would you?"

Charlie is Kade's father, but not Kodie's. He's also not fully Kade's father, technically, due to him and his mother being divorced. It's cute, really, how much both boys care so much for a man who's not even in their lives. At this point I'm convinced I know more about Kodie and his quirks than Charlie does.

"Sure thing, ma. Am I staying over or no?" he says it more like a statement than a question, but I think that's just how he talks.

"No I need you home for-" she cut herself off this time. "Charlie's just watching your brother for a few hours."

I don't understand what this means, but Kodie seems to. He nods and moves towards Kade to bump his shoulder. "How's it feel being elderly?"

"I'm ten! You're way older than me," Kade's pout is louder than his statement.

"Seventeen is not old."

"And neither is thirty seven," his mother says.

* * *

 About an hour later, and Kodie is in school. School is one of those things I have come to enjoy, but Kodie has come to demise. I find it amazing that you have a building with many people all working together in order to feed you information from around the world. Kodie might think it's flawed or maybe tedious and tiring. I understand his point of view, but can't relate to the feeling. Maybe he already knows everything the school is trying to teach him. Or maybe he feels he doesn't need any of this information. I'm sure I don't need all this information either, but I adore it either way.

His first class is a foods class. Although Kodie shows hardly any interest for school, he sure does show a great ability for most things in school. Cooking, baking, most things that have to do with food is one of those things. I think Kodie enjoys cooking. I always feel warm and calm, content whenever I see a ingredients being mixed and tousled in a bowl or pot through Kodie's eyes. There's always a slight feeling of excitement, too, when Kodie is making something. Maybe it's anticipation for the things to come rather than the process.

He sits in a plastic chair at the end of a row. Students begin to filter in through the door, some looking more tired than others. There never seems to be many students in earlier classes. I've heard of this noun, senioritis. It's when someone is so sick of school that they feel they can no longer attend, even though if they don't, they won't graduate. Kodie, and most students in his early classes, are Juniors, though. I believe that senioritis applies to people of all ages.

"Class," Mrs. Dymonds walks into the class and takes a quick glance around the room. "Well, part of the class," she mumbles under her breath, snickers can be heard around the room. "Today's agenda is bread."

"Let's get this bread!" Eliza Moore chirps. Students chuckle this time. Kodie smiles and shakes his head.

Mrs. Dymond clears her throat, "Let's get this bread!"

Everyone in the class groans. There seems to be a wide arrange of emotions today from the class. Usually they're bored out of their minds or not even awake yet.

"Anyway, class. Today we will be testing different types of breads. Now, there are two types of dough we are going to go over today," she says and turns to the whiteboard to write. "First, we have lean dough," she writes the word 'lean' in thick, clocky letters. "And next, enriched dough," her voice pitches upwords at the end of the sentence. She writes the word 'enriched' in a swift cursive font.

"Can anyone tell me the difference?"

"It's bread," Jared something-or-other says. I can't remember his last name. I'm not sure why. It could be that he's just not that memorable of a person, or maybe it's his monotone, flat voice that prompts me not to remember.

"Jared," Mrs. Dymond sounds disappointed. "I wrote them on the board like this for a reason you know."

"Ah!" Eliza speaks up again. "Lean is more lean and enriched is more, uh, en… rich!"

Mrs. Dymond lowers her head and shakes it slightly. Something in me feels bad for her, but another part wants to laugh. I probably would if I could.

"Guys…" She says.

"Enriched dough usually has more fats and sugar, so it's usually made for sweeter breads, like cinnamon rolls or dinner rolls. Lean dough is more like… Yeah, it's more lean. Like, rough and crunchy sometimes. So usually it's used for baguettes," A kid I can't remember the name of speaks up.

"Thank you, Irvin!" Mrs. Dymond says with the brightest smile I think I've ever seen.

Irvin! Right. He's a new kid, I'm pretty sure. At least I don't recall seeing him before. Maybe Kodie has, I'm not sure. Although we share the same eyes, and the same sight, we aren't always focussed on the same thing. We each have our own blind spots. Maybe Irvin just happened to be in both of them.

"Alright, so I'm going to split the class into two groups. Group one will be making enriched dough, and group two will be working on lean dough," Mrs. Dymonds looks around the room once again. "Hm… We don't have a lot of students so… I'll have to work in one of the groups, I think," she says this more to herself than to the class. "I'll give each group instructions when we get into the lab."

She starts numbering off students. Kodie and I are in a group with Jared, Eliza, and a kid named Silvia Durbin. Her father is the school principal, so she's pretty popular, but only with the right people. That's another thing I've noticed about the school. You can be popular, but only with certain groups. And, usually, if you're popular, there's hardly ever an in between. You either loved or hated. That's the case for Silvia, and taking in how Jared and Eliza keep giving her side glances, and staying out of her general area, I think she's more hated here than liked. Kodie doesn't seem to mind. At least I think so. Maybe he does.

In the lab, Mrs. Dymond gives instructions to each group. Ours was assigned to lean dough. She joins our group due to us not having the same amount of people as the enriched group. I can't help but think that, if I were a person like Kodie, she wouldn't have to join. I shake the thought away as quickly as I can. I don't want to think of the impossible, it hurts too much. And, what's worse, is that I can't do anything about it.

We each spit up the jobs. Jared's on dishes duty, Eliza on supply, Kodie on kneading, and the others on extra things, like cleaning and keeping the area clear for work. In other words, each person will do whatever they feel like, and pretend to be working as to not get in trouble from the teacher. At least most students do this. Jared, of course, doesn't. It's to be expected.

Originally, Jared was against doing dishes because he didn't want to get his hoodie wet. Understandable, seeing as his sleeves are longer and more baggy than needs be. He couldn't just roll up the sleeves, but it's not like I can tell him that. Even if I could, I'd be afraid of getting death glared. I don't think he'd be brave enough to hit or punch, but he could damn well be intimidating. He's not that tall, but it gets made up for by his clothes and hair. He looks like your average stoner, but also like your average, "I've got friends in bad places," kid.

Eliza, of course, checks her phone at every opportunity she can. She's one of the best on pretending to do things when she's not. Compared to Silvia at least. In fact, Silvia might not be pretending at all. I think she's actually working.

Eliza and Silvia are pretty similar when it comes to looks, but also almost the opposite. They both have straight hair, they both have the body of a runner, and they both have blue eyes. Why they seem like opposites, however, is because Eliza is curvey, while Silvia is not. Eliza has a darker complexion, while Silvia is as pale as paper. Eliza has dark brown hair, while Silvia is blonde.

Their personalities is where the majority of opposite lies. The only thing not opposite, is the fact that they are both liked by a lot of students in the school. But then again, like i said before, also hated.

Mrs. Dymond and Silvia are chatting over by the oven while Kodie starts to knead the dough. Jared and Eliza are by the sink, closer to Kodie. Eliza lifts herself onto the counter, and Jared moves between her legs to talk.

Being in Kodie's head, I've noticed a lot of actions and habits of teenagers and what they mean. Or at least, I have my own definitions of most things. But, surely, they're similar to Kodie's, right? Or maybe his thoughts influence mine? No, that can't be it. I can't hear his thoughts and he can't hear mine.

This is frustrating to think about.

Anyway, the thing I've noticed just now, is that, surely, Jared and Eliza are having sex. Or maybe, they want to. I wonder if Kodie's noticed this. As far as I can tell, he's focussed. There's a slight urging feeling, but maybe that's just for wanting to finish class and leave school? Maybe it's to get kneading done and over with? God, it's frustrating not knowing why Kodie feels the way he does. It's frustrating, not only because of curiosity, but also because I have to feel the same way.

"You're names Kodie, right?" Jared's voice cuts into Kodie like a knife. I can tell, because I felt the sudden shock he felt. He jumped, too. I guess he was more focussed than I thought.

"I, uh, yeah," he says. He turns to look at Jared. They make eye contact and I feel like he's staring right at me, although I know he's not. His eyes are piercing, but not blue, like most piercing eyes are. They're a muddy hazel shade. Much lighter than Kodie's.

"Hm," was all the said. That was the response.Jared looked away from Kodie and started kneading Eliza's thighs. Kodie looked the dough, back at Jared and Eliza, and when they didn't look back, he turned his attention back to the dough to knead that, and not thighs.

Kodie's kneading is different. It's jittery and rushed. I feel like I'm being watched, but is the feeling just mine, or is it from Kodie?

"Kitchens are for cooking, guys," Mrs. Dymond says from across the working station. Kodie briefly looks at her, before turning back to the dough. He most likely realized she was talking to Jared and Eliza, not him. They scoff, separate, and continue to be as close as physically possible without straight up merging together.

Kodie finishes kneading and hands the dough over to Silvia and Mrs. Dymond, who puts it in a bowl. Mrs. Dymond calls for the class to go back to the classroom, and that they will continue the next day because the dough needs time to rise. The class begins to shuffle out. Eliza rushes past to join Jess, a girl in the enriched group.

Kodie's hood gets pulled on, and I couldn't feel a slight sting on his neck.

"Ah, dude," Kodie raises his voice, turns, sees Jared, and shuts his mouth real quick.

"Hey," Jared says, moving forward as to walk back to class, while also seeming to lure Kodie on to follow him. If this is what he's doing, I can't help but applaud him for his enticement. He might not have much charisma at first glance, but maybe it's something that builds up.

"Hey," Kodie jogs a little bit t catch up, then begins to walk a the same pace.

"This class sucks."

"Uh, yeah," Kodie agrees, even though me and him both know he doesn't.

Jared stays quiet for the rest of the walk, and Kodie starts to feel awkward. His eyes are moving everywhere and I can't focus on anything at all.

Jared doesn't speak up until the two of them, and me, technically, reach the doorway.

"You got a phone?" Jared asks.

Kodie's eyebrows knit together for the slightest second. "Yeah," he says.

Jared smirks, but not maniacally. "Cool."

Kodie clears his throat.

"Here, lemme see it real quick," Jared holds out his hand.

Kodie's hesitant at first, but grabs his phone out of his pocket and hands it to Jared anyway.

Jared puts his number in, texts his own phone, and gives the phone back to Kodie.

"I'll text you," he says and walks back to his seat.

Kodie, looks at his phone. It has a new contact, 'J,' and a new text, 'Kodie.'

He puts his phone in his pocket and heads back to his seat.

* * *

 "Charlie!"

"Kade!"

Kade has always had the habit of calling his father by his name instead of calling him the standard "dad" or "daddy." No one can be completely sure why, but my guess is because it's what he's so used to hearing. He was hardly ever in a situation where he gets to call him "dad." It's always "Charlie" or "his father."

"How's my birthday boy, huh?"

"I'm good. School was fun, we got to have a big ol' party just for me! Mom brought us cupcakes."

"Oh, the kind with little rings on them?" Charlie's eyes light up at every word Kade speaks. He really misses him.

"Yeah! They're were little spiders on them."

"Oh spooky!"

"Anyway, I gotta head back to help mom with uh, stuff," Kodie says, winking to Charlie.

"Ah, I get ya, I get ya," Charlie responds. "I'll see you in a little bit, bud."

"Tell mom I said hi," Kade says.

"Sure thing, man. See ya," Kodie waves and saunters back to his car, a 1998 Toyota Supra. Not the prettiest car, but it drives, and that's kind of the best a newly seventeen year old can ask for. It was a birthday gift from both of his parents a few months ago. Apparently, the two of them both chipped in to buy the car for about three thousand dollars, which, despite the awful conditions, and the fact that a lot of the main components don't work, is still a really good gift.

Kodie revs up the engine and begins to drive down the road. I can't describe the feelings he gets when he's driving. They're complex, and depend on a lot of things. For example, when he's alone in his car, and there's no music playing, he doesn't feel much. I'm sure he thinks, but I can't hear those. When he's alone in his car with music playing, he's joyus and cheerful, and sometimes even sings and hums along. He only does when he's alone, though. Probably due to him being tone deaf. But then there are times, especially when Kade is getting a ride form him, or maybe his mom, he feels anxious and what I could only call hesitant.

He pulls to the sidewalk outside his house, parks, locks his car, and walks towards the door. His house isn't necessarily the biggest and boldest house out there, but for a family of two boys and a single mother, it's not a bad spot. It has a nice, small lawn outside that's constantly covered in weeds and dandelions, and no matter how much they try to take care of it, the grass is always brown and yellow. There's a short chain link fence separating their house from the neighbors on each side and behind, but that's the same for every house in this area, so they don't have to pay for it or even take care of it. The outside of the house is colored a soft yellow. I've heard it's that color because it's old, but I don't know what it being old has to do with anything. Is it yellow because it aged and decayed? Or was it painted yellow because that's what old people used to do with their houses?

"I'm home, ma," Kodie yells through the house.

"I'm in the kitchen," she yells in response.

The kitchen is at the back of the house, facing the backyard. Unlike Charlie's house, Kodie's doesn't have a living room. It's a simple, kitchen, three bedrooms, two bath. His family seems to use their kitchen as a living room when their not all locked up in their rooms doing their own thing. That can be blamed mostly on Kodie, but I don't think he'd ever admit it.

"I'm baking the cake right now, but I need you to help me wrap the presents, okay?" his mother says the millisecond Kodie enters.

Kodie half groans, smiling all the same, "Sure. Where's the…" his voice trails off. He does this often. I think it's because he knows the other person he's talking to knows what they're talking about, and will know how and what to answer with.

"I put them in your room already."

Kodie doesn't like people going into his room, what kid does really? But he nods his head and leaves the kitchen anyway.

Kodie's room is simplistic, to say the least The only things in it are his bed, a dresser for his clothes, and a few cords for his phone charger and laptop. There's a painting hanging on his wall, but it was here when they moved in, so it doesn't much count as one of Kodie's possessions. That's all he has. Of course, he has small knick knacks here and there, but for the most part, his space is clear and empty.

Presents, wrapping paper, and birthday bags litter his bed. His bed is a simple grey, and his bed sheet is pink. It's one of his mom's old sheets that she's not using anymore, so they figured they'd put it to use some how. They don't want to waste anything.

Kodie reaches for one of the presents, a box set of _The Spiderwick Chronicles._ He looks over the cover art, and even I can tell Kade will love these. If the creepy, spindly font wasn't good enough for Kade, there was a seemingly wooden, grimy creature resembling a tree in the center, overtaking almost the whole cover. Kade's always liked cool creatures with somewhat gross mannerisms, I know he'll be happy with this gift. Although, I'm not sure if he likes to read.

Kodie gets busy wrapping. I choose to focus on the feeling, while I'm sure Kodie focuses on making the gift look presentable.

* * *

 Kade's birthday has been uneventful, to say the least. I'm guessing that his mother wanted this to be a family only party, due to the fact that there are only the four of them, Charlie, Kade, Kodie, and their mother. There were cousins that stopped by for a few moments, but they left shortly after giving Kade his present, a 3DS game called _Fantasy Life_. He, being young, said a quick thank you and swiftly took out his game cartridge to hook up the game and play.

Kodie's been glued to his phone. Every few minutes, he takes it out, takes a quick glance, puts it back in his pocket, and repeats. I'm not sure if he's checking for something, or checking the time. Either way, I'm curious as to why he keeps doing it. Is it because he wants to go back home? Is he tired?

A thought crossed my mind. Kodie's mother and Charlie don't spend much time together, and although they're very comfortable with each other, they're still not together. They're not married or maybe not even in love anymore. So maybe, only slightly, Kodie is uncomfortable with them being together. I'll never be able to know if he wants them back together or not, but I can put two and two together and assume that he's uncomfortable. Maybe he is, in fact, checking his phone for the time to see how much time they've spent with each other. How much time does it take to fix a broken, separated marriage? Does Kodie know?

About the seventh time he checks his phone, there's a notification. It's a text from Jared. Again, I'll never be able to know exactly what Kodie is feeling, but I feel him raise his eyebrows, so it's safe to say that he's surprised.

 

From: J

hey

It's a simple 'Hey,' but it brings shock and anxiety anyway. Kodie feels reluctant, and I can't help but agree with him. I don't know about Kodie, but I feel apprehensive about Jared. Kodie's feelings are more complex than mine, I think. I can't tell what he's feeling. He responds.

From: Kodie

Hi

I can feel Kodie feels stupid responding with something so simple, but what else is there to reply with? He doesn't know Jared too well, and Jared doesn't know him too well either. I can't help but wonder why Jared texted Kodie so fast, though.

"Fee," Kodie hears Charlie say. It's a nickname for his mom. "Er, uh, Fiona," he smiles and rubs the back of his neck with his thick, bulky hands. "Can we talk really quick? Privately?"

Kodie's mom gives him a look that I can't quite decipher. She nods and they head back into Charlie's kitchen.

* * *

Both Kade and Kodie wanted to spend the night at Charlie's, but alas, they weren't allowed to. His mother's excuse was that it was a school night. I heard Kodie mumble under his breath, "Guess the talk didn't go se well."

Now, Kodie is lying in his bead, staring at his phone screen. He scrolls through  _ Twitter _ ,  _ Tumblr _ ,  _ Instagram _ , anything he can. He comes across Jared's Instagram account. His finger stops at first, when he goes for the follow button, but I guess it's motives stopped there, because he pressed it anyway. The first photo he sees is Jared with a large puff of smoke around his head. His eyes are reflecting with bright green-ish white, and there's blue glares behind him. He must be at a party.

It's no surprise that Jared is this kind of kid. I've heard people tell Kodie not to stereotype people, and to never judge people by their cover, but I've never been taught that lesson personally, so I feel I have some leeway. 

Kodie backs out of Jared's profile and comes across a picture of himself and Jake from last year's halloween. It's captioned, 'Found this from last year! Love ya buddy, even if you dressed as a tiny twinkish spiderman!.' Kodie snickers and comments about Jake's half naked, partially painted wrestling costume. He looks back at the picture, probably to reminisce.

Jake has his arm around Kodie's neck, clearly nudging him down in a wrestler manner. Jake's taller than Kodie. Kodie would have to stand on the tip of his toes to reach Jake's height. Jake's arms and chest are bare, of course, and are painted with red and yellow paint in swirls. Blue light from the background highlight his muscles, of which he gained from joining the school's wrestling team. Kodie can't relate to this aspect of him at all. They both have big, bright smiles on their face.

Kodie shakes his head to signal that he's done looking at the picture, smiles, and moves on.

His phone gives a notification, a text from Jared.

From: J

ey you free?

Kodie cocks his eyebrow, confused, I think.

From: Kodie

What do you mean? It's nearly 12 am

From J:

and? lol

From: Kodie

I mean. I guess? What do you need?

I feel genuine concern falling over Kodie. Maybe he's worried that Jared got into a car accident, or maybe a fight.

From J:

don't need anything, really. Just bored as hell and want someone to 

hang with. you got a car?

From Kodie:

I mean… yeah?

From: J

come chill, man.

Kodie stares at the words for a moment. At this point in time, I want desperately to ask him what he's thinking. I want to know his process of thought. Of course, that's not the only reason I want to speak up. I have a bad feeling.

Despite Kodie's fearful feeling, he gets up and slips on his shoes anyway. He notices in his mirror that his hair is a bit messy from laying down for the past few hours, so he throws on a beanie. I'll never quite get how he can still think of basic things like how his hair looks while he's feeling anxious like this.

He pauses when he opens his door. He stares at the floor, and I know he's thinking. But what?

He walks towards his mother's room first.

So he was thinking of if his mother would approve or not.

He checks his brother's room next. He's sound asleep with  _ Spiderwick Chronicles _ lying on his face. Kodie doesn't smile but I do, if I could.

It's moments like this, rare as they may be, where I realize how powerless I am.

He walks outside, to the curb, to his car, and enters. He revs up the engine and leaves.

He feels excited and anxious and expecting. At this point, I feel as though I should feel nothing, but I don't.

* * *

Jared's lives in a shammy apartment on the third floor. The smell of cigars, cigarettes, and  _ cigarettes _ fill the air. Kodie's not totally intolerant to the smell, but I'm am.

I hate it.

I want to cover my imaginary hands over my imaginary nose, but of course, I can't. I don't have them. I'm not sure what I have really. All I know that I have are Kodiee's eyes, senses, and feelings. I don't have anything to myself. Well, I have my own feelings and thoughts, I guess. But what are you without a voice? What are you without the freedom to say and express what you feel?

"None of my roommates are home, so the place is pretty empty," Jared's voice cuts into my thoughts.

"Roommates?" Kodie asks.

"Yeah," Jared laughs and pats Kodie's shoulder a little too hard. "A whole seven of them, not including me."

"Damn," Kodie says.

"I know, but it makes rent cheap."

There's a pause that lasts more than a few seconds.

Sitting on the couch, I can tell it's definitely not the newest. Kodie's sinking in a good few inches or so. It's still comfortable, of course. There's stains all over it, in black and brown and even some white. It takes a bit of comfort away. There are cans and pizza boxes littered around the living room. Some beer, some soda, some sparkling water, even. I guess having seven other people you live with brings plenty of different preferences.

"So…" Kodie always tries to make some sort of conversation when one needs be. "You live here."

Jare's eyebrows furrow and he has a wide smile on his face. "Yeah."

"Sorry if this seems, like, I don't know," another pause. "Why?"

"Ah," Jared's cocky nature seemed to die down for a slight moment. "My uh, my mom kicked me out when I was fifteen. My older brother's one of my roommates."

"Oh," neither me nor Kodie were expecting that. Kodie feels sad, and so do I.

I feel conflicted, too. Jared has a hard life, it's more obvious now than anything. He's a bad influence, I can tell that for sure. The kind of kid that his mother wouldn't want Kodie to talk to. But would she change her mind if she knew his story? Should I? Even though he's had a hard life so far, and might still be having a hard life, should I change my thoughts on him based on that one thing? Should I focus on how he got to how he is, or focus on how he is now and how he's affecting things and people in the now.

I also wonder how many people know this. Was Jared finally showing some vulnerability? Does anyone else in their classes know? Does Eliza know? Did he lie to her, or is he hiding the truth from her? I'm conflicted and curious and scared for him and sad for him, but with all of that, I still don't know how to feel.

"Shit, I should have thought of stuff to do," Jared heads towards the kitchen four or five feet away and starts rummaging through the cupboards. "You smoke?"

Kodie chokes for a second. "I- Excuse me?"

"Do you smoke?" a chuckle escapes his mouth.

"I, yeah, no," Kodie clears his throat. "I mean I-"

"Oooh, so you don't smoke  _ it _ ," Jared emphasises the "it."

"Ah, yeah, I don't."

"Lame."

"I'm sorry," he said it as a statement, but it sounded more like a question.

There's another pause.

"Why'd you invite me over?" Kodie asks.

"Well," Jared shrugs from the kitchen and walks towards Kodie, his hands in his pockets. "I don't like to smoke alone."

"I…" I think he doesn't know what to say. Who would? "Sorry, man, I… Maybe we can do something else?"

"Yeah, sure," there's a hint of annoyance in Jared's voice as he plops down on the couch. His cockiness is back. Vulnerable Jared is dead, and jackass Jared is present, alive and well.

"You got video games?" Kodie smiles to him. I think he's trying to make the situation better than it is.

"Nah."

"Oh. Uhm," Kodie thinks, "Uh… Board- Board games?" He has a habit of stuttering when he knows the answer is no.

Jared looks to Kodie with daggers in his eyes. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Ah, I'm," Kodie's sweating. "Sorry."

Another silence. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

"Listen man," Jared says. I feel Kodie gettign ready for something bad. Maybe a, 'Get out of my house.' But instead eh gets, "Have you ever tried?"

"Tried?" Kodie wonders out loud, and figures the answer as soon as the question leaves his mouth. "Oh, no, I haven't. My ol' man would kill me, haha." The laugh was forced.

There was a short period of time when Charlie used to smoke. It was a few months before him and Kodie's mother got a divorce. The smoke would constantly fill his and Fionna's room, and ashtrays would be in nearly every room. I think it had a toll on him, becuase I'll never be able to forget just how wretched his coughs sounded. I think his voice got a whole two octives lower, but that could be my imagination. He quit a few months later, and would give lectures to the boys to never smoke in their lives, because it can ruin and even end theirs. I was young and inexperienced via Kodie, and I figured he quit smoking because it ruined his marriage. Maybe Charlie thought so, too.

"Mmm," Kodie pulls his hands out of his pockets, bringing a box of  _ Camels _ with them. "Wanna try?"

Siren's blare in my imaginary head. A small part of me wonders if the same is going for Kodie. His father will kill him. His mother will be so angry, so disappointed. Of course, this is all if they find out, and who says they will. Even still, I'm panicked. If Kodie does this, does that mean I am, too? I don't want to smoke. I don't want to cough like Charlie once had. I don't want Kodie's voice to change.

Voice.

There was one time, when Kodie was about five, when I tried to speak. I tried to make myself known. He was riding his brand new bike in the front yard, the training wheels kept getting stuck in the grass, so Kid Kodie's solution was simple, get to a flatter surface. At that house, it didn't seem to be much of a problem because there was cement sidewalks surrounding the cul-de-sac. However, they were covered in weeds, and I guess Kodie was looking for something with a no-plant guarantee. So he went to the road. His parents were inside, probably arguing, so there was no way they'd know what Kodie was up to.

I did, though, of course. I always do.

I've seen videos in school shown by teachers. Road safety, stranger safety, internet safety, everything. I took it all to heart, while Kodie was thumbling with his hands under the desk, trying his best not to pay attention to the boring teachers.

I had a bad feeling, of course. I didn't want to be in the road. I didn't want Kodie to be in the road either. 

Kodie glanced in front of himself, I saw a truck, he saw his tires. 

I tried to shout out. He was going to get hit. 

"Kodie!" was all I could manage, but of course, there was no reaction. I'm not sure if I even said it, or if it even happened. I can't remember what it sounded like, or if I felt it or anything, so it easily could have not happened.

The truck screeched through the street, the breaks must have been wired up in some wrong way. The last thing Kodie saw was the black truck's door, and then red. It felt like red, too. Searing pain spread through his shoulder, and it spread to his arm and even his collar bone. A blistering scream filled the air, his throat was dry and scratched, but he just kept screaming. 

A loud crash could be heard, and suddenly his parents and three teenagers were carrying Kodie to his mother's car.

I felt all of this and I was paralyzed. I wanted to scream with him, I tried to scream with him.

Voice.

I wanted to use my voice.

I wanted to yell, "Kodie! My name is Teo and I am here! Please hear me. Don't do this," but it wouldn't happen. I was trying for the first time in years. I had to. I have to try.

Kodie nods slowly and takes the cigarette.

"Don't ruin yourself like this, Kodie. Please," I wanted to say.

He lifts the cigarette to his mouth. Jared laughs, takes it, flips it the other way, and puts it back into Kodie's mouth. 

"Think of how your parents will feel. Think of how they'll feel," I wanted to say.

Jared lights a lighter and moves it towards the white stick in Kodie's mouth.

"Don't ruin your voice. Don't ruin the feeling in your chest, your throat, don't ruin it," I wanted to say.

The cigarette was lit, and Jared instructed Kodie to suck in.

"Kodie!" I scream.

I scream.

Kodie forgets to suck in, he lifts his head, and looks around.

"Did you hear someone?" He questions Jared, taking the cigarette out of his mouth.

"No?"

"I thought," he pauses. "Hm."

I stop. I'm still. I'm in shock. My voice.

"Don-don't," I speak again. My voice.

My voice!

I feel Kodie's eyes widen. "I," he jolts up and drops the cigarette.

"Dude!" Jared swings for the fire stick, catches it, and puts it out on the coach. "You're gonna start a fire."

"K… Kodie?" My voice.

"I need to go," Kodie rushes to the door, and runs down the stairs to his car. Jared doesn't follow him.

He flops into his car, shuts the door, pauses, and locks the door.

"Wh-What…" he says this to himself.

I can't bring myself to say anything. Kodie's feeling freaked, terrified even. Maybe a slight bit of curiosity.

I spoke. My voice was scratchy, low, but high at the same time. Higher than Kodie's anyway, not as high as Kade's of course. And not as scratchy as Jared's. Maybe my voice aged with Kodie.

I spoke.

"Hello?" Kodie breaks the silence.

I don't know if I should respond. How will he react. Will he react? Maybe he wasn't reacting to me, right? He doesn't know I'm here, and never will. He can't.

"I," I speak up despite myself.

Kodie yelped. "What the-"

"Kodie?" my voice was far too soft, I could barely hear myself. 

"Oh my god I'm going insane."

"Kodie, no you're-"

"What the fuck!" he screams out.

I have to explain what's going on. I don't know much myself, but I have to explain.

If I don't explain, I have two options. I could either keep talking, he thinks he's crazy, he goes to hospitals, psychiatrists, therapists. They diagnose him with schizophrenia, BPD, maybe others. The other option is for me to stay quiet. I don't want to stay quiet. I've stayed quiet for too long, too many years. I've lost opportunity after opportunity. I've lost question after question after question. I'm done being quiet. But I have to be smart about it.

"Kodie, do you-"

He screams again. I wonder if my voice cuts over his screams.

"Kodie do you remember your surgery when you were younger?"

He stops. I think he's listening. I'd never be able to… I am able to know.

"Are you listening?"

He doesn't answer for a long time. "Yes."

"You're parents told you that it went wrong, right? Do you remember what it was for?"

His answers are stalled, still. "No."

"You were to have a second conscious. I'm him. That was my job. It failed, yes, but I'm still here. I'm here."

I felt tears falling down Kodie's face. I don't know if they were mine or his, but I felt it was appropriate. I wanted to cry.

"This is absolutely mad."

"No, Kodie, please, you're not-"

"Shut up!"

"Kodie!" I screamed and it sounded like a roar. I've never screamed. I didn't like it, but it was definitely satisfactory. "You're not crazy, please believe me."

"Why should I?" a second passes, "Why am I talking to myself?"

"You're not Kodie, you're talking to me."

"Okay, so I'm talking to Kodie number two them, huh?" his chest was burning with anger, I could feel it.

"My name is Teo…" my voice softened. I think I'm saying this more to myself than I am to him. "My name is Teo."

His chest wasn't as hot anymore. "I'm going home."

So now he's talking to himself.

* * *

I let Kodie off for the rest of the night. I let him drive home in silence. I let him shower, although I could tell he was extremely hesitant, but not jsut because of the possibility of waking his family.


End file.
